Writing is like therapy to me, so this is a different kind of Father’s Day message. Today was hard, I knew it would be. For the past 5-ish years, I have always dreaded this day. That’s about how long it has been since the last time I talked to or saw my own father. I elected to spend as much time off Instagram today as I could. Something that’s a habit, that seems natural to me like opening up my Instagram on a Sunday to peruse what everyone was up to over the weekend, became my worst nightmare. Father’s Day message after Father’s Day image, old wounds began to sting as if they were freshly torn open.
It was always like this. I had a great relationship with my father when I was younger but I never lived in a “normal” household. As I was brought into this world in an unusual circumstance, it sure never felt like it does now. I would spend summers out at his house, never wanting to leave. But as I grew older and more established with school activities and friends, we grew apart. Year after year until a relationship just ceased to exist. There was resentment and anger. A lot of the person I am today is because of the very hard times I had to go through. Things I’m not ready to talk about yet on this site, but so much crap that I could write a novel and have genuinely thought about it.
There comes a time when you have to realize that the past is the past. What was once a joyful time has now turned into a distant memory. I’m not going to lie; I’ve cried a few times today. As I gaze at images of women I admire being walked down the aisle by their dads, I can’t help but think who’s going to walk me down. Do I modernize my wedding and have my mom walk me down since she’s played both roles majority of my life? Do I Meghan Markle it and walk myself down? Regardless, I think I’m finally at the age where I can come to terms with the relationship as it is and not what I want it to be and finally move on. Never say never. Things could happen. One simple text or call could totally change the trajectory of my life, but I’m not wasting time or energy thinking about that anymore.
I’m thankful for those in my life that have never made me feel without. My mom has some amazing friends, people I consider my true family now. With their constant support and unwavering love, the holes in my heart were filled by my modern family. “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life.” This quote resonates more with me than you will ever know. Alternative father figures and second, third, sixth “moms” in my life are who have shaped and completed me. You know who you are.
I wrote this post not for sympathy, I’m past that point, but to show other people struggling today that you are not alone. We all have our own issues. That’s just the nature of family, but when we realize that others out there too are going through the same or similar feelings we are, it can help us when we feel completely isolated. This is me telling you that you are not alone. I’m going through it too. It wasn’t in God’s plan for us, but that’s kind of exhilarating. He knew that we’d be just fine and go on to conquer the world even with that piece of us missing. That shows that He has a lot of faith in us.